Don’t read the title and assume that I am some whiny girl that thinks she is being misunderstood by the world. I just figured since people are constantly trying to prove themselves as something, I might at as well do so, by writing about me being a nothing. I have always said that I dread the day when someone says they know me like they have me all figured out, because it limits my personality. I don’t want to be confined into a single character that can be measured against the cast of Sex and the City or Friends. The last thing I need is for my job, religion, race, or even the clothes I wear, to be part of my identity. But it can’t be helped right? I mean even application forms, quiz you on your gender, whether you’re an immigrant, if you’re single or married, and they think they have the gist of things.
Not to say that I have never said the words “I know you”, but when I do say this, it means I know them as my friend- I can’t predict what clothes would be their first choice, or what kind of genre of music they prefer, nor could I set them up with someone whom I think would be compatible for them. So does that mean I don’t know them?
I was told by a professor that when you meet someone that can only perceive the world in two ways, you should run the opposite direction as fast as you can. I tried to apply this advice to my life- I think if I have ever run into these kinds of people before. And then I remembered the question that is almost inevitable when you are past the first stage of being introduced to someone. The most annoying question that is nearly always asked, “Are you religious?”.
What does that even mean? I always find myself in a rut when they ask this question because I know they are expectant of a straight answer- yes or no. But I refuse to give it to them. Had someone given me the time to answer this question I would respond by...
I hate the term religious. People that call other people religious sometimes like to imply that they are bible hugging people, who has a stick up their ass because their views are so extreme and almost cultic like. Religious people will be the first to rub it in your face that you’re damned because you swear in vain, you've had sex before marriage, you’ve lied, or cheated, and you’re gay. This is why the person has asked you if you’re religious- is it not? To try and figure out if they’re making friends with a person who will do whatever it takes to convert them into their holy pact. Well in that case, I am not religious.
I am a christian because it’s easier to have hope in something than to have hope in nothing at all. In this case, you can call me religious. Does it matter that Jesus existed as a real life person to me? Not really... But I won't go out of my way to oppose preachings of love and peace, just because Jesus may or may not have existed, and religion may be one big conspiracy. I do think that putting a label on christianity, catholicism, and muslim should be blamed for screwing over the world. I do not think having sex before marriage is immoral, but it would make sense to lose my virginity to someone I love. That doesn’t mean that I have to be married to them, but maybe it would be a lot safer to do so, assuming that you marry someone to confirm you love them. Then again, most marriages end in divorce, so it depends on how committed you are to the ideals of marriage. Then I have to wonder, how much can I believe in a constitution that mostly fails? Do you see what I’m saying? And so the bible says that it’s not okay to be homosexual... but what I choose to understand is that the bible says to love everybody. We can round in circles and try to decipher whether I am religious and I still would not be able to give a straight answer. Ask me a more specific question and maybe then I could narrow it down for you.
If it’s not trying to set me apart by my religion, people are always trying to weed you out as the type they expect you to be. This happens all the time... you choose something in particular, or you do something that is slightly off course from what you are normally seen to be doing and then they say this “Oh, I had no idea you were into that type of ____” or.. “Since when did you start _____” - and this pisses the heck out of me. Something that is slightly out of the ordinary and suddenly you're a stranger to them.
Excuse me for appreciating generic music, and the classic. People act as if listening to Britney Spears, and Il Divo is a crime; that you are just being pretentious, which translates to you have no idea of who you are. That is why you will find people who make it a point to listen to either or. There are times where I would like to do something athletic, but I can’t bear the thought of even trying because someone is bound to mock me for my lack of sportsmanship. Sometimes saying “I feel like doing it” doesn’t register to people that that’s exactly what I mean. I once really wanted to buy color contact lenses. I told my friend this and she said “Why do you want color contact lenses all of a sudden now? Lauren always goes through strange phases.” So now feeling the want to have color contact lenses has become a phase. Try anything new and you're temporarily something you weren't before.
I have come to the conclusion that there are people who avoid at all cost to be judged, as anything at all, and then there are others who have become complacent to the fact that no matter what, they will be judged. So they try to have as much control over how they are being judged. I am almost positive you have met these people who subtly, ALWAYS try to put a word in edgewise to prove themselves as something or another. Every conversation it’s like their in dire need to stress their character, when no one really asked. This is how a conversation with this person goes like:
“Hey, nice outfit!”
“Oh, thanks. Yah, I can’t go anywhere without my heels and my hobo bag. I’m just the Starbucks kind of girl you’ll always see walking downtown.”
And so you think to yourself, Hey, I know this girl. She’s that reality tv girl that stars in the Hills, or Laguna Beach. She comes pretty close at least, and that’s what she wants to hear. I’m guessing she would like to be looked at as the city type, loves the energy of the city, and moves with the busy streets- the "it" girl. Or how about the person that always makes it a point to bring up their their work ethic. I’ve hated it in elementary school when a kid started balling because he or she had just received an A-. It's like their boasting, but their not. I have always felt this completely unnecessary as I can’t see why it would hurt their feelings. The reason why their crying is because their desperate to show others that this doesn’t normally happen to them, and that they really are smart. I guess if they hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t think them to be as smart as I probably did back then. But this lead to other judgements like, why is this kid such a wuss?
And there I go judging these people. But to their credit, they have at least had some input as to who they are, whereas I haven’t done anything but allow for people to make their own judgments and shape me into whatever. I have no idea who I am, so I don’t expect anyone else to know either-but apparently they do.
I agree with mostly what you said, but isn't judgement inevitable, as you pointed out yourself in the end of your post?
ReplyDeleteI think at some point it is reasonable to accept that we are a product of our environment, that we measure ourselves by how others treat us, how they react to us, and what they think of us. Otherwise, we would all be stuck within our own four walls. You know yourself to be a certain way, and that is what shapes what you do and say. But its a cycle, your perception is shaped by a mix of what you think and what others think.
And at times, people do conform to what they are supposed to be, like not admitting that they enjoy reality show, because they think it is trashy, and they see themselves to be above that. But this is to protect our self-image and to seek clarity as to who we are. Otherwise our 'self' becomes more convoluted than we could grasp.
nonetheless, the post was refreshing.
I was on the Megabus the other day and this girl sat down next to the boy in front of me. She seemed nice and chatty at first, and then all of a sudden the conversation turned to religion. She started talking about the glory of Jesus, and then asked the boy what he believed. When he said he wasn't religious, she basically told him he was damned and going to hell.
ReplyDeleteI felt so bad for the guy. It was a 6 hour ride.